You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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