i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
