His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
