i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
