Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
