If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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