just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
