my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
