First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
