So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
