she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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