I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
