I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
