what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
