her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Boobs are out for the taking
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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