My balls are so social today.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
