Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
