He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Everclear isn't food dammit
Randomize
