I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
