I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
