Please don't use social media to get back at me.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
