you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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