Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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