every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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