When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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