Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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