the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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