Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
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