the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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