So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
