John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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