ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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