neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
