Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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