the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Come on in and take your pants off
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