If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
