dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
