youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Randomize
