Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
