Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
