So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
