i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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