They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
