The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
