Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
