i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
