How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
