Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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