FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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