I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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